


If You Promise (modern!lams AU)

by TheatreThings



Category: Alexander Hamilton - Fandom, Hamilton - Fandom, musical - Fandom
Genre: Alexander Hamilton - Freeform, Hamilton - Freeform, John Laurens - Freeform, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Modern AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 01:05:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 20,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9795449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheatreThings/pseuds/TheatreThings
Summary: Alexander Hamilton is new to Columbia University and meets some new friends. One of them happens to be John Laurens who he's determined to show that forever does exist.





	1. Chapter 1

Alexander carries his suitcase through the hallway, searching for the number printed on the paper he received previous to the start of the year.  
“116,” he mumbles to himself as he wanders. While he's walking he thinks of how grateful he is to be free. Yes, he's slightly afraid and yes he has no clue what type of person his roommate is. But he is finally out of the orphanage he's lived at since he was 12 years old; not only that but now he's at the place he worked his entire life to get to. He saved all his money and did the best at school specifically for this, and he made it! So despite the fear he’s excited. Eventually he spots a room with a little sign saying 116. This is it.  
Alex opens the door to reveal his roommate sitting across from an open cabinet watching a turtle in a tank.  
“You must be John,” he introduces himself, “I'm Alex. Also aren't we only allowed to have fish here?”  
John closes the cabinet in order to hide the tank and shifts to face Alex, “Yeah, but it's not like a turtle is very different. I mean they both live in a tank; it's fine. But don't tell?”  
Alex is relieved that his roommate seems to be a nice guy, “Your secret’s safe with me. Can I ask why you brought a turtle?”  
“His name’s Pebble and turtles are fucking cool,” John tries to be serious but laughs right after finishing the sentence.  
Alex laughs too, “Of course, how could I argue with that.”  
“You can't,” John opens the cabinet, “wanna hold him?”  
“I should probably unpack now.”  
“Want me to help?” John offers and Alex tries not to blush. His new roommate who's extremely cute also happens to be the sweetest person ever. Holy shit.  
“Sure, if you want,” Alex tries to act casual and John stands up to help.  
\---  
John sets some of Alex’s books on a shelf in their dorm, “So where are you from?”  
“I've lived at an orphanage in the city since I was 12.”  
“Oh, I’m sorry for bringing that up.”  
Alex shrugs, “It's alright. I don't mind talking about it; my dad left when I was 10 and my mom died when I was 12. I’ve had time to get used to it. Where are you from?”  
“South Carolina. I mean, I used to be. I don't intend to go back seeing as how my dad kicked me out when I told him I'm gay. The real reason I brought my turtle is because I've had him for a long time and now I technically don't have a home.”  
Alex can't help but feel bad for John, “That's terrible-” John stops him. He tries telling him he's fine with it. Apparently it's okay because ‘nothing lasts forever’ but Alex notices the way he's holding back tears. He notices the way his voice shakes as he mentions nothing lasting forever and how he keeps avoiding eye contact. Alex knows all these things are just him trying not to cry.  
Before Alex has a chance to explain to John that he knows it's not okay at all and things can last forever there's a knock at the door. John quickly turns to close the open cabinet so whoever it is doesn't find out about Pebble.  
“Come in,” him and Alex call at the same time. Two guys Alex recognizes from somewhere on campus earlier walk into the room.  
“I'm Lafayette and this is Hercules,” one of them announces in a French accent, “we’re having a party tonight and we wanted to invite you.”  
Hercules points to the room across the hall, “We’re next door neighbors so you shouldn't have much trouble finding our dorm. Feel free to come over whenever.” Alex and John accept the invitation and with that Lafayette and Hercules turn to leave.  
It's only been a couple hours and Alex has already made some friends. It's gonna be a good year.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex and John both sat on Alex’s bed. They'd been talking for so long they lost track of time as they went on with their conversation.  
“What's your major?” John asks.  
“Social Sciences,” Alex looks over to John, “what about you?”  
“Same, we’ll probably have a lot of classes together!” John says excitedly.   
“Thank god,” Alex sighs, “hey, when do you think we should head over to that party?”  
John shrugs, “Why not now?”  
“Alright, let's go.” Alex agrees with his new friend.   
The two boys walk across the hallway to Hercules and Lafayette’s dorm. John knocks on the door and they hear Hercules telling them to come in.   
“Hey,” Hercules is setting cups out on a table, “it hasn't exactly started yet but when it does it’ll probably also be out in the hallway too because Laf invited literally everyone.”   
Lafayette defends himslef, “I wanted to make sure people would come!”  
“This is what I’m dealing with,” Hercules turns to Alex and John, jokingly motioning to Lafayette who’s just sitting on his bed scrolling through his phone.  
“You know I’m the best,” Lafayette glances up from his phone, “but I may or may not have made a mistake. Really it's no big deal..."  
“What’d you do?” Hercules groans as Alex and John continue to stand by the doorway.  
Lafayette laughs awkwardly, “I kinda sorta invited everyone to the wrong dorm. I thought we were a floor lower!”  
Hercules tries to act angry at his roommate but all four boys start laughing.  
“Well you guys wanna hang out and get drunk?” Lafayette looks at John and Alex.  
John shrugs, “I'm in, Alex?”  
Alex decides to join in too. Soon the four boys are sitting around the table ready for a game of Never Have I Ever.  
“What is this game?” Lafayette questions.  
Hercules explains, “We go around saying something we’ve never done, if you have done whatever the person says you take a shot. Ready?”  
The other three nod and Hercules goes first, “Never have I ever sent nudes.”  
Alex takes a shot and John casts a quick glance over to him.  
Lafayette stifles a laugh, “Okay then. Never have I ever been questioned by the cops.”  
John takes a shot and they look at him expectantly. “It was about my mother’s disappearance,” he admits. The sad undertones in his voice tell them not to talk about it.  
“Anyways,” John cheers up, “never have I ever had sex.”  
Hercules, Lafayette, and Alex all take a shot.   
Alex wraps an arm around his roommate. “Aw you're so innocent,” he jokes.  
“Oh whatever, it's your turn,” John laughs, gently shoving Alex away.  
“Never have I ever had an actual romantic relationship.”  
Nobody takes a shot. “Well this is boring,” Hercules points out.  
“Let's drink and play extreme truth or dare,” John suggests and they all decide on that.  
Hercules starts it off, “John, truth or dare?”  
“Truth.”  
“What's the worst thing you've done while drunk?”  
“Some people from my high school had a party,” he's already trying not to laugh, “and I may have tried walking through their screen door and broke it.”  
When his friends stop making fun of him for the screen door incident he asks “Alex, truth or dare?”  
“Dare.”  
“I dare you to go get in the fountain on campus.”  
Alex stands to go downstairs and the others follow, slightly surprised that he's actually willing to do this. As they walk downstairs they drunkenly keep their arms around each other to keep their balance. They reach the quad and Alex approaches the fountain in the middle. He turns to face his friends then moves to sit in the fountain.  
“Jesus this is cold!” Alex whispers harshly.  
“Then get out, dumbass,” Lafayette remarks.  
Alex stands and flips off Lafayette. Following that the four head back upstairs. When they reach their dorms John says they should probably get back to their own, technically since his words were slurred it sounded more like “weesh problygetbackto our owndorr” but they all understood what he meant.  
\---  
Alex and John stumble into their room and Alex goes to change out of his wet clothes. He pulls his shirt and pants off and John, in his drunken state, doesn't even attempt to not stare.  
“Makes sense why you’ve sent nudes before,” he says, impressed.  
Alex walks over to him; he steps so close their faces are just centimeters apart. John suddenly feels extremely nervous. He's not sure why, he doesn't like Alex like that. Right?   
“Thanks,” Alex turns away and finishes changing. This is when John knows he is getting a crush on Alexander. Why else would he be disappointed that Alex turned away like that? He can tell it's not just the alcohol behind the reason he wants to kiss this boy he's only met today.   
“Don't fall for him,” John thinks to himself, “you already know nothing lasts forever so this would obviously end in heartbreak.” Despite how many times John tells himself this the feelings aren't gonna go away and he's aware of this. John is also aware that he hardly ever opens up to people. What is it about Alexander Hamilton that's making him feel this way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I swear these are gonna get longer as it gets more into the story I have a plan


	3. Chapter 3

Five months have passed since John realized his feelings for Alex. All he's done is keep it a secret from everyone. Five months of becoming better friends with him, Hercules, and Lafayette also means five months of trying to push away feelings towards Alex that only become stronger. Five months of nights spent talking to him about mostly anything from his bed across the room. John looks over to Alex who’s still sleeping as sunlight is gently streaming in through the blinds, ‘how much longer can I keep this hidden?’ he wonders. Alex starts to wake so John pretends to be on his phone. He hears Alex say his name.  
“Hm?” he mumbles.  
“We should do something in the city today,” Alex recommends.  
John sits up to face Alex who's doing the same to him from his bed, “Like what we always do with Herc and Laf?”  
Alex shakes his head, “Just us. If you want?”  
John looks out the window and sees it's snowing, normally he does all he can do avoid the cold but right now he doesn't care, “Okay.” As he gets ready he attempts to find out, to no avail, if this is a date or just two friends hanging out.  
\---  
The eventually two head out. Alex leads John to the subway, knowing if he didn't John would definitely end up getting lost.  
“How do you just know where things are,” John observes.  
Alex laughs at how amazed his friend seems to be, “I've lived in the city since I was 12, I've had time to get to know it.”  
Once they're on the subway it's not very crowded and Alex shows John that he's also learned how to stand on a subway without holding the pole.  
“How,” John's so genuinely astounded, “I can hardly stand even using the pole.”  
“That’s probably because you grew up in South Carolina and I grew up here. Still, I can show you how,” Alex grabs both of John's hands and pulls him from where he's sitting, “you just gotta know how to move with it.”  
“I'm gonna fall!” John laughs, trying to sit back down.  
“If you do I'll catch you!” Alex justifies.  
John considers Alex’s offer before accepting it, “Fine. I trust you.”  
They successfully stand together; with Alex laughing at John’s occasional stumbles, until they come to a somewhat sudden stop and John falls forward, knocking Alex to the ground with him.  
“Told you I’d fall,” John jokes.  
“Yeah, well,” Alex reaches up to John, pushing a strand of hair behind his ear, “I can't exactly catch you when I fall with you.”  
They lock eyes and Alex feels his heart rate speed up. Should I kiss him? Maybe he does feel the same way. Then again what if he doesn't feel the same way? Things would just get awkward between us and since we live together and have the same friends what would happen then- Alex's thoughts are interrupted by some random lady trying to get to a seat. She passive aggressively clears her throat at them. John quickly moves off Alex, apologizing, and stands up. Alex follows.  
“Get a room,” she mumbles.  
They hurriedly get out of the subway and John looks away, blushing, “She thought we were together.” Maybe this could answer the whole Is This A Date question.  
“Well you were literally on top of me,” Alex chuckles.  
“Fair point,” John smiles brightly, “where should we go?”  
“I was thinking Times Square. You've been living here for five months and still haven't seen it, that's not right.”  
“Then lead the way.”  
“It's not far,” Alex leads John up the steps out of the subway system and there it is.  
John looks around, “Wow. It's an actual place; I've only ever seen it on TV.”  
“Who would've thought a bunch of ads would be so astounding?”  
“Who would've thought,” John confirms.  
“Follow me,” Alex commands and begins to move through the streets with John desperately trying to keep up while navigating around crowds.  
He stops outside of a tourist shop, “There's a game me and some of the other orphans used to play. You go into some store like this and put on the weirdest souvenir clothing you can find, whoever has the weirdest wins. Basically, prepare to lose.”  
“Oh,” John smirks, “you're on.”  
They walk into the shop and Alex let's him know he has 10 minutes to find what he can.  
\---  
John walks through the small store. Putting on a foam Statue of Liberty crown thing and grabbing a pair of rollerskates designed to look like taxis on his way.  
\---  
Alex stays towards the front of the shop. Finding a flowy dress that's supposed to look like some sort of building and a baseball cap with an embroidered apple on it that reads ‘NYC’.  
\---  
Ten minutes pass and Alex and John meet in the middle of the store. John in the foam crown, roller skates, and fake glasses with the skyline sticking out of the top. Alex is wearing the dress over his clothes, the baseball cap, and rainboots with the Empire State Building on the sides.  
As soon as they see each other they break out into laughter.  
Alex sighs, “I hate to admit it but I think it's a tie.”  
“Doesn't that show you Mr. ‘Prepare To Lose’,” John jokingly mocks Alex.  
“Laurens, you seem to have forgotten that I could do this,” Alex lightly pushes John and he slides back on the skates, trying to keep his balance prior to Alex then grabbing his hand.  
He pulls him back and steadies his balance, “Now here's a situation where I can stop you from falling.”  
John considers telling Alex that nothing was there to stop him from falling for him, despite how cheesy that is. That he wants to be more than friends. That Valentine's Day is soon and why not spend it together. But an angry looking man approaches them.  
“Can we help you?” Alex asks after the man glares for awhile.  
“I run this shop,” the man asserts, “and I can tell you two aren't really gonna buy any of that. Put it back and get out.”  
“Yes, sir,” John holds back laughter and the guy turns to go back to wherever he was.  
They'd taken off what they got from the store and walked back to the subway; knowing that they should get to work on a presentation they’re doing together for class. Plus John had to feed Pebble.  
“When’s the presentation due?” John turns to Alex on the subway ride home.  
“Valentine's Day,” Alex remembers.  
\---  
Within thirty minutes they're back in their dorm room with Alex sitting on his bed, typing away on his laptop.  
“We aren't gonna stop til’ this is finished, alright?” Alex states to John who’s on his knees filling a small bowl from Pebble’s tank with turtle food.  
John sets the bowl back in the tank and stands, scrolling across the room to sit next to Alex, “Alright.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has actually been done for awhile but I wanted to wait til the next chapter was close to done to post it

Alex closes his laptop, “We did it!”  
“And it's only,” John checks his phone, “1:23am!” John insists that they celebrate finishing the project somehow. Eventually Alex gives in and agrees with him, “We could go sit on the fire escape.”  
“Is that allowed?” John inquires.  
Alex stands, grabbing his coat from where it's draped over a chair, “Does it matter?”  
“Not really, we’d do it anyways,” John also rises from the bed.  
“Should we see if Herc and Laf wanna come along?”  
“No,” John says too fast, “I mean...it's late. We wouldn't wanna bother them.”  
“True,” and with that they leave the dorm and go down the hall to the door leading out. John goes to open it but Alex pulls him back, “You could set off the fire alarm. We gotta climb out the window or we’ll get caught.”  
John pushes open the window, “Good point.”  
They both get out and sit with their legs hanging off the fire escape.  
“Aren't you cold?” Alex asks John, who didn't bring a coat.  
“Yeah but it's not-” before he finishes the sentence Alex is handing him his coat.  
“Take it. I’m more used to the cold than you.”  
John tries to give it back, “Really?”  
“Yes,” Alex won't take it back, “it's not a big deal.”  
“Can I ask you something?” John puts on the coat.  
Alex shrugs, “Only if I can ask you something. Deal?”  
“Deal,” he starts, “how exactly did you get to the orphanage?”  
Alex thinks for a moment before speaking, “I'm from the West Indies. I lived with my parents, until my dad up and left us when I was ten. After that it was just me and my mom. A couple years later we both got really sick; I got better and she didn't. I was twelve years old and I had absolutely no family, so some people working at the hospital decided to send me to the orphanage here where I, evidently, never actually got adopted.”  
John gives him a sympathetic look, “I’m sorry you had to deal with all that. Nobody deserves that.”  
Alex places a hand on John's knee, “You don't have to feel sorry for me. Anyways, now I get to ask you something.”  
“Then ask,” John puts his hand over top of Alex’s.  
Alex feels his heart racing in his chest. Does he say it? Should he? While still debating on if he should say what he really wants to know he blurts out the four words that could change everything, “Do you like me?”  
John gives a small laugh, “Of course I do; after all you're my best friend.”  
“I mean as like...more than friends?”  
John bites down on his lip and moves his hand off of Alex’s, “Yeah. I didn't know you could tell but I'm sorry, okay? I can try not to. I know you probably don't feel the same way so if any of it makes you uncomfortable I won't bring it up. I'll even stay with Herc and Laf for awhile; I just don't wanna ruin our friendship-”  
“John!” Alex cuts him off, “Quit rambling, I like you too.”  
“You do? Why?” John’s voice is barely audible.  
Alex turns to face John, grabbing both of his hands, “Why wouldn't I?”  
“Because,” John avoids eye contact, “for starters I have my homophobic father who still occasionally texts me trying to make me straight, my mother was killed when I was 13 and some people still think I killed her when I swear I did not why would I leave myself alone with my dad, and I'm not exactly the most confident person.”  
“John Laurens, listen to me.” Alex waits for him to make eye contact, “You are quite possibly the best person I have ever meant. You're sweet, funny, adorable, strong, caring, free-spirited, and everything else good. I can think of a million reasons for me to like you; the way you look out at the city lights. How you’re always up for an adventure. When you smile and you just seem to immediately light up. When I first met you you treated me just like a friend you've known your whole life. You are an amazing friend; why wouldn't I like you as even more than that?”  
“Alex I...have no idea what to say.”  
“Then don't say anything,” Alex leans closer until their lips are just centimeters apart. He waits a split second before closing the distance between them. He can feel John smiling against his lips as he kisses him back. Suddenly John pulls away, on the verge of tears.  
“What's wrong? Did I do something?” Alex worries.  
John shakes his head, “No,actually I'm extremely happy. With where I grew up I never had a boyfriend before; I tried being with girls but that was my first time kissing a guy. And it felt so- I know it was completely real.”  
Alex wipes a tear off of John’s cheek, “Did you kinda just call me your boyfriend?”  
John blushes and glances away, “Well are you?”  
“After all this I’d hope so.”  
“Good,” John smiles, “what do you wanna do now?”  
Alex considers something, “Things we should probably get back inside for.”  
That's all it takes to get the two to climb back through the window. As soon as they're inside John connects their lips again, “We’re inside.”  
Alex kisses him back before pushing away, “I meant our room. Slow down, you virgin.”  
“Not for much longer,” he whispers.  
This makes Alex wrap an arm around his new boyfriend’s waist and quickly guide him back into their room.


	5. Authors Note

Hey! This isn't part of the story, just a little check in from me, I am still working on the next chapter and it will most likely be up this weekend or before (but no promises). I'm sorry it's taken so long; I've had a lot of things to do for school and so I haven't had time to think about this more.


	6. Chapter 5

AN: THINGS ARE GONNA GET A LITTLE SPICY ;) but it's not like super important just read both authors notes if you wanna skip it  
They get into their room and Alex pushes his coat off of John’s shoulders. John pulls Alex over to his bed and pins him down, he straddles over Alex, waiting for a response.  
“Please,” Alex says; and with that John leans down to kiss him. The kiss is light and gentle at first. But as both boys grow even more and more lustful the kiss becomes rougher. Their lips get sore but they don't stop. John let's Alex’s tongue explore the inside of his mouth. He groans into Alex’s lips and slightly thrusts down against him, hungering for more.  
“Let me be inside you, I wanna lose it to you,” he sighs.  
Alex pulls away from John's lips and smirks mischievously, “Not yet.”  
John let’s Alex pull off his shirt and does the same to him. He works at putting love bites down Alex’s neck and chest, making Alex hold back a moan. Alex grinds up against John’s thigh, now also deeply craving the friction. John moves down Alex’s body; hungrily kissing him until Alex can no longer hold back a moan. He tries to be somewhat quiet but it doesn't work.  
“What do you want now?” John hotly whispers against Alex’s skin, only a few inches away from the growing bulge in his pants.  
“I want you,” Alex pleads breathlessly, “Touch me. Fuck me til’ I forget my name.” John begins to pull Alex’s belt off.  
“Keep it close,” Alex advises, “belts have multiple uses. You could tie me up. Whip me. Blindfold me. Endless possibilities.”  
John whimpers, “Fuck...you're so hot. We have to do this.” He gets back to kissing near Alex’s waist.  
Alex tangles his fingers in John’s hair to make him look up at him, “It's good you think that because I’m yours tonight. You can do whatever you want to me. But next time it can be my turn, deal?”  
“Deal,” John starts quickly fumbling with the button of Alex’s jeans.  
that's as spicy ;) as it gets bc writing anymore of that would make me too uncomfortable you can imagine what happens next  
The next morning Alex wakes up, looks at the boy sleeping with his back facing him, and remembers all that happened last night. He moves just enough to plant a kiss on the side of John’s neck.  
“What?” John mumbles.  
“You're officially no longer a virgin.”  
John switches to his other side so that he’s facing Alex, “Good. Last night was amazing, I never wanted that to end.”  
“Trust me, there will be more times.” Alex makes a fake moaning sound to mess with his boyfriend.  
John mocks the sound back at him with a laugh, “Don't act like you're not the loud one.”  
He put his hands up, feigning innocence, “I’m not.”  
John smiles at his boyfriend and just as he leans over to kiss him there's a knock at the door. Both boys quickly get up and pull clothes on before opening the door for whoever is there.  
“Hey,” Lafayette greets as he walks into the dorm with Hercules not far behind, “did you guys hear someone having sex last night? Because we did and it was annoying”  
They both sit down at the small table in the corner. Hercules looks at their beds and John, noting that only one bed has been slept in and John has messy possibly after-sex hair, “Laf. I'm sure they heard, especially since it was them.” He looks at them, seeming proud of his small deduction.  
Alex attempts to seem nonchalant, “I don't know what you mean. I didn't hear-”  
“It was us, we’re together!” John blurts out.  
Hercules points to Lafayette, “I told you!”  
“You did,” he stands up, sighing, “let's go and I'll pay you the $20.” They both walk back to their dorm.  
“Did they bet on if we were dating?” John blushes.  
Alex nods, “Seems like it.”  
John moves to check on Pebble, who’s biting at a piece of lettuce, “What do you wanna do for Valentine's Day tomorrow?”  
“First we have to present our online project on forms of government in class, then we could just see where we end up?”  
“Sounds like a plan,” he closes the cabinet to hide Pebble before going back over to Alex, “but it's gonna get difficult concentrating on that presentation knowing that afterwards I'll be somewhere with you probably doing this.” He steps closer and presses their lips together. During the kiss Alex laces his fingers in John's hair, tugging him even closer.  
“We should stop,” John murmurs against his boyfriend’s lips.  
“Why?” Alex slightly pulls away so that they're close but their lips are no longer touching.  
“Because I think we both know if we keep going we’ll end up doing things that, apparently, the neighbors hear. We get like that around each other.”  
“We do,” Alex moves his hands down so that they're resting on John’s waist, “but I wouldn't want it any other way. Later today do you wanna see if Herc and Laf wanna go to Central Park with us?”  
John agrees shortly before getting back to kissing his boyfriend.  
\---  
“I was right about them!” Hercules brags to his roommate back in their dorm.  
Lafayette rolls his eyes, “I knew they were both pining after each other, that's obvious, I just didn't think they would actually admit it yet.”  
“Still, you were wrong and I was right,” he gloats in a singsong tone.  
Suddenly Lafayette’s phone buzzes. “Alex and John wanna know if we wanna come to Central Park with them later,” he reads.  
“Yeah, tell ‘em we’ll come over in about an hour.”  
\---  
Alex lays on his bed reading with John next to him, his head resting on Alex’s chest. John checks his phone and informs Alex that Hercules and Lafayette say they’ll be over in around an hour. Alex doesn’t look up from his phone; so John pokes his arm.  
“Hey,” he moves Alex’s book down, “I’m bored. Pay attention to me.” Alex chuckles lightly at his boyfriend’s adorable tactics.  
He fakes annoyance, “Fine,” before leaning down to kiss one of the freckles on John’s face. John randomly seems different.  
“What’s wrong? Talk to me,” Alex moves so that they’re both facing each other, sitting cross-legged on his bed.  
“I don’t know how to explain it,” John exhales, “I’m scared and excited and worried. I don’t know what I’m feeling and it confuses me, I know it’s about you; I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.” Alex knows what his boyfriend is describing and he also knows it’s best to let him figure it out on his own terms.  
“Just take your time with it,” Alex advises. John bites down on his bottom lip.  
“Also...I really want to kiss you right now.”  
“I’m right here,” Alex motions to himself, “there’s nothing stopping us.” With that John climbs onto Alex’s lap, placing his legs around either side of Alex’s waist he kisses him deeply.  
Hercules and Lafayette barge into their dorm. “Hey we came over earlier tha-” Lafayette cuts his sentence short and covers his eyes with his hand while Hercules turns to face the door.  
“Sorry!” they both seem embarrassed, making John and Alex break out into a fit of laughter.  
“Oh my god,” Alex doesn’t stop laughing.  
“We were just kissing, calm down!” John assures their friends, climbing off of Alex.  
“Whatever you say,” Hercules mumbles before turning back around.  
The four chat for a little while then decide to leave for Central Park. They race each other to the subway. Hercules looks behind him, shouting something about winning from the front he accidentally runs directly into one of their professors.  
“Shit-uh I mean um...sorry, Professor Washington,” Hercules acknowledged.  
Washington laughs, “It’s fine, and you know you guys can just call me George.”  
Hercules gives George an awkward nod before walking over to his three friends who had formed a small group on the sidewalk. They all joke about the situation for a couple minutes and head towards the subway station. They make it down the steps just in time to get on subway. Hercules and Lafayette take the two empty seats, Alex and John stand holding onto a pole with their hands overlapping.  
“You're better at standing on here now,” Alex observes.  
“That's because you taught me how to,” he points out.  
Hercules and Lafayette groan when Alex leans over to kiss another one of the freckles on John’s cheek.  
“No PDA!” Hercules impersonates a high school teacher.  
Alex exaggerates an apology to their friend. The rest of the subway ride is spent awkwardly letting strangers pass by and occasionally initiating in small talk. They reach their stop and leave the station, seeing Central Park is just a couple streets over. Not long passes before John gets a text that chases his smile away; he pulls Alex off to the side.  
“What is it?” Alex rests a hand on his boyfriend’s side.  
John swallows and shows Alex what it is. A text from his father that reads “it's not too late, they've got conversion camps. i could also find you a nice girl and we’ll get things back to normal. call me before i come out there to find you.”  
Alex goes to embrace John and comfort him but John turns away shaking his head. John's voice is barely audible when he says he's going back to their dorm. He walks away and Alex turns to face Hercules and Lafayette who watched the situation unfold; they give a questioning look and he only shrugs before going over to them.  
“Should you go with him?” Lafayette wonders.  
Alex nods glumly, “Yeah, I will. I’m gonna let him have a little head start so he can be alone to figure stuff out...but I’ll meet him at the dorm.”  
Hercules and Lafayette are curious as to what said “stuff” is but keep quiet about it. They say bye to Alex, say they need to all hang out another time, then walk off in the other direction.  
\---  
Alex is walking across the school grounds to reach his building when he’s stopped by a girl he recognizes from some classes.  
“Alexander! Hey!” she smiles.  
“Oh, hey,” he gives an awkward smile back, “isn’t it Maria?”  
“Yep! I’ve been wondering if you wanna go out for coffee sometime?”  
She steps closer and Alex tries to casually move away, “Actually I’m in a relationship and-”  
Maria grabs his hand, “Then let’s just go to my dorm; she doesn’t have to know. I won’t tell if you won’t,” she flirtily bites down on her lip.  
Alex pulls away shaking his head, “Listen, Maria. There is no ‘she’ because I have a boyfriend and I’m not looking to get with anyone else.”  
“Right,” her cheeks are bright red revealing how she’s clearly embarrassed, “I’m sorry. I’ll just...see you in class.” Maria turns and leaves and Alex get back to his and John’s dorm.  
Alexander walks into the dorm, “Hey, my love, how’ve you been?” He casually flops down onto his bed.  
John scoffs, “Oh you know. The usual, freaking out about my shitty father, wondering what was going on between you and Maria Reynolds? After how much I’ve fucking trusted you and confided in you you just go and-”  
Alex sits up, “Hey! Whatever you saw it is not what it looks like. She was trying to get me to either go out with her or go fuck her, both of which I declined because I’m in a good loving relationship.”  
“You’re not cheating on me?” John raises an eyebrow.  
“I am not cheating on you,” he confirms.  
John walks over to sit by Alex, “Sorry for sorta overreacting.”  
Alexander wraps an arm around his boyfriend, “It’s alright. You’ve had quite an eventful day.” John doesn’t respond but he turns so he’s hugging Alex with his face buried in his shoulder. Alex feels John crying and comfortingly runs his fingers through his hair.  
“I don’t wanna lose this...I don’t- I can’t have him take this away. I don’t wanna lose you but he’ll hurt me,” John sobs out. Alex holds back tears from hating seeing John like this and focuses on comforting him.  
“You’re not gonna lose me and I’m not gonna let him hurt you. I’m gonna keep you safe here,” he whispers.  
“Promise?”  
“Promise,” Alex holds onto John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heck this almost didn't get done bc turns out i was also busy this weekend but here it is i hope you liked it! pls keep reading


	7. another authors note

again; schools had me busy and stressed as fuck (plus friendship drama and mental health things) but we have a snow day today so i can finally spend more time working on this. anyways, thanks for reading so far i love you


	8. Chapter 6

John wakes up with Alex still holding onto him.   
“Hey,” he lightly elbows him, “when did we fall asleep?”  
“I have no idea,” Alex mumbles tiredly, “what time is it?”  
John feels around on the bed until he finds his phone, “Almost 7am.”  
“Fuck,” Alex looks at John who seems very confused by this point, “we have to present in class in like 20 minutes.”  
John stands, “Alright. Get ready we can hurry up.”  
“But we’re already late for the class! Is that gonna fuck up the grade? Are we still gonna even be allowed to do it? Do you think Professor Washington is gonna be mad?” Alex overwhelmingly gestures in the air.  
“Alexander, calm down. Let's just get dressed and we can go,” John forces his boyfriend up from his bed.  
\---  
Both boys wander into the classroom five minutes before it’s their turn to present, looking quite flustered, and practically everyone is staring at them. There are a few quiet wolf whistles and laughs; Washington clears his throat at them and awaits an explanation.  
John attempts to give him one, “Sorry, sir, we slept-” He finishes the sentence with ‘in accidentally’ but some guy in the class, Thomas Jefferson, calls out ‘together’ and many students break out into a fit of quiet laughter.   
Washington rolls his eyes, being frustrated with the entire situation, “Pull your presentation up on the computer and we can get this over with.”  
\---  
They finish presenting and sit together towards the back of the class.   
“So what are we gonna do today?” John whispers so only Alex can hear him.  
Alex places a hand on John’s knee under the table, “You'll see; I’ve come up with a plan.”  
\---  
Once class is over Alex makes John follow him through the streets.  
“Where are we going?” John laughs.  
Alex shrugs, “Wait and see.”  
After more wandering and some subway rides they reach a pier with another section going off of it that's got grass and benches.   
Alex explains, “Whenever I got bored at the orphanage I would come here and look out at the water. At night it's one of the only places where you can see the stars in the city, I would spend hours here just coming up with different situations that could happen in life. It's a special place to me so now I'm sharing it with you.”  
“When you thought up different situations did you ever think we would meet?”  
“I did think that one day I would have a wonderful boyfriend or girlfriend. I couldn't have known it would be you but I was right about him being wonderful.”  
John quickly kisses Alex then pulls away blushing, “I just did that in public…”  
“And everything’s okay.”  
John nods, “It is. We’re okay.”  
\---  
The two spend hours just wandering around small shops near the pier and talking about anything and nothing.   
“It’ll be dark soon, shouldn’t we head back?” John ponders.  
Alex shakes his head, “That grassy area is one of the only places you can see the stars here so we gotta stay and see them. Plus we live in the ‘city that never sleeps’; it doesn't matter if it gets dark out.”  
John nods, “Fair enough.”  
Alex takes John’s hand and pulls him over to the grassy area with him. They lay side by side and stare up at the vast sky.  
“I wish we could stay like this forever,” John whispers.  
“Like what?” Alex questions.  
John gives a small laugh and slightly shakes his head, “It seems dumb but...I just never want this moment to end. I wanna stay here with you looking up at the stars; I wanna feel like this all the time. Happy and content.”  
“I can't control your feelings,” Alex states, “but I will do whatever I can to make you feel like that whenever.”  
“Really?”  
Alex pulls John closer to him, “Really. I care about you. I wanna make you feel good, and I don't mean that in a sexual way; well I mean sure that too but not right now. I just want to be the one who can make you happy.”  
John quickly kisses Alex’s cheek, “You already are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was so short I'm sorry I've just been dealing with a lot and really wasn't feeling this chapter but the rest is coming to me easily so those should be longer and up quicker. love y'all <3


	9. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of abuse/homophobia. please don't read if you could get hurt

“Hello,” a stranger nudges Alex with the toe of her shoe, “you up? You not dead?”  
Both boys wake up and look around, realizing that they must've fallen asleep where they were lying outside.  
“Oh shit,” Alex rubs his eyes, “yeah.”  
The woman nods warily and walks away as Alex and John both sit up. John gives a small laugh at their situation and asks Alex what time they fell asleep.  
“I have no idea,” he stood up along with John and they start to walk back to the dorm together. They step off the pier into a small sandy beach area barely off the city.  
John blushes and glances down, “Can we do something real quick?”  
“Yeah, what?”  
Suddenly John is pulling Alex by the hand towards the water. Alex pulls back, giggling and asking his boyfriend to explain what the heck he’s doing. After all it's February; obviously it's pretty cold outside. John stops and wraps an arm around Alex’s waist, pulling him closer to him.  
“I'm owning my life. I've realized that I don't have to be afraid to be me or just afraid to live my life. I can do whatever,” he playfully throws himself onto the cold damp sand, pulling Alex along with him.  
Alex jokingly tosses a little bit of sand onto John from where he's lying next to him by now, “Yeah and what changed?”  
John tosses sand back with a smile, “I think you had something to do with it. And I think I love you.”  
“Good. I think I love you too,” with that Alex presses a quick kiss to John’s cheek and pulls him up with him. They stand and Alex kicks some sand towards John with a smirk.  
John kicks sand back, “Oh you are on.”  
Suddenly they're playfully tossing sand at each other.  
“Prepare to lose,” Alex chuckles and flings sand.  
“Why are you talking to yourself?” John retorts and dodges.  
“I'm not, you're the one who's going down,” Alex tackles John and looks down at him from where they're lying on the beach. Their eyes meet and then they both decide to get up before they can get carried away.  
They walk back to their dorm hand in hand, chatting mindlessly about small and insignificant things. Alex steps into the dorm, holding the door open for John who practically immediately gets a call once he's in the room.  
“It's like 6am who could that be?” Alex points out.  
John shrugs then looks down at his phone. As he reads who it is his smile suddenly falters and fades away. His voice is hardly audible when he tells Alex it's his dad and he walks into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, to take the call privately.  
Alex anxiously waits on his bed as he occasionally hears John’s voice on the phone. He can't tell what he’s saying but going by his tone it’s not something good. Fifteen minutes pass, they feel like hours to Alex, before he decides to look and see how John’s reacting. He steps into the bathroom and finds John sitting on the ground with his phone face down next to him. His head is resting against his knees and his shoulders shudder with every sob. Alex drops down next to him, resting a hand on his arm and noting how much he's shaking.  
“What happened,” he pulls him into a hug that's in a bit of an awkward position considering they're sitting on the floor.  
John doesn't give a response; Alex lightly twirls his fingers in his hair, “Can you talk to me about it? I'll try to help. Just tell me what you need me to do.”  
John pulls away, “H-he wants me to come home so he can send me to some conversion camp.” Before Alex can comfort his boyfriend he keeps talking. “He didn't necessarily kick me out when I told him I’m gay. I came out to him when I was 16. He yelled at me and when I told him to let me be he started to beat me up. Throwing me against the wall, punching me in the face and stomach, trying to strangle me; I had to tell people at school I got into a car accident but was well enough to keep coming to school. I don't think anyone believed me but they all played along like it was normal. He continued to make my life a living hell anytime he could so I didn't dare to ‘talk back’. B-before I left for college I actually stood up for myself and that's when he finally kicked me out…”  
Alex stares with his mouth hanging open, “That's horrific. John, I am so sorry, you know you never deserved any of that. I wish I knew you then; I wish I could've been there to help you.”  
“It's alright,” John shrugs hopelessly, “but now he wants me to j-just go back! How could he call demanding that I go back and ‘become straight’. He told me if I didn't n-nobody would ever love me; even if someone does now they'll leave s-s-since nothing lasts forever and it'll just all end badly if I don't go change. And a part of me can't help but wonder if he has a point and I do h-hate that part of me. I’m scared. I'm scared he'll hurt me again if I go. I’m scared you'll leave me if I don't go.”  
Alex softly takes both of John’s hands in his own, “Listen to me. I will never leave you. You are the most extraordinary person I have ever met; and you know I've only lied to you once.”  
“About what?” John whispers through tears.  
“Earlier when I said I think I love you, there's no think, I know that I love you. But, I do not simply love you. I am definitely falling in love with you. I'm in love with you, John Laurens, and I promise that I will never leave you or do anything to hurt you.”  
“You promise?” John prompted.  
“I promise,” Alex leans in and delicately places a kiss against John’s lips.  
John gently rests his forehead against Alex’s, “I am too.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Falling in love with you.”  
“So this is where we told each other that,” Alex laughs.  
John joins in with the laughter, “On the cold floor of our bathroom after falling asleep outside then getting covered in sand.”  
“How romantic.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this kinda sounds like it could end here but it doesn't i've got more planned


	10. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo more abuse mentions please be careful

A couple days pass since John heard from his dad and he hasn't spoken about it since. Despite having his friends (and his boyfriend) for support he still seemed like something was wrong, it was obvious but nobody could figure out how to help.   
Eventually Hercules says something during one of their weekly study sessions where they mostly just end up looking at memes and listening to music while pretending to get things done, “Okay that's it we’re going to a party tonight.”  
“Where at?” Lafayette glances over to him.  
“One of the sororities.”  
Alex looks up from the book he seems to be intensely studying, “Wow thanks for the specific details, Herc.”  
Hercules tosses an eraser at his friend, “I don't remember the name. It's close and it's where the Schuyler sisters live along with Maria and some other girls.”  
John had silently been watching his turtle and thinking about something until now, “Do you guys think I should go?”  
“To the party?” Lafayette scoffs, “obviously.”  
Hercules nods in agreement with Lafayette, “Why wouldn't you?”  
John looks over to Alex and Alex fully understands what he’s talking about, “Guys. He’s not talking about the party he's talking about the conversion camp. Right?”  
“Alex, can I talk to you in private?” John asks as he stands.  
Lafayette and Hercules take that hint and go across the hall to their dorm. “The parties at 10!” Hercules informs them before he closes the door.  
“What is it, my love?” Alex moves over so John can sit next to him on his bed.  
“I got a text this morning,” he sighs, “he told me ‘either agree to go to the camp and be trained not to be a fag or I’ll force you to conversion therapy where they'll electrocute it out of you’. I just want him to leave me alone; he could let me be me and we can completely get out of each other's lives but he won't…”  
Alex processes this for a moment, “You're not obligated to change no matter how much he wants you to. Hell, you can't force your sexuality to change.”  
“I know. But how do I- how do I keep ignoring him? What if he tries to find me in real life.”  
“I've told you this so many times. Don't you know it by now?”  
“You're not gonna let anything hurt me?” John gives a small hopeful smile.  
“Yeah,” he takes his hand and lightly kisses it, “I'm here to protect you.”  
\---  
An hour passes and the four friends are walking across campus to the party. Hercules and Lafayette immediately grab some cups and join in on a drunk game of Cards Against Humanity.   
One of the girls walks over to Alex and John, “Hey! I think we’re in Washington’s class together?”  
Alex nods, “Yeah. It's Eliza, right?”  
“Yep, aren't you Alexander?”  
Alex nods and Eliza motions to John, “so this must be John? Your boyfriend?”  
John smiles, “How'd you know?”  
“It's pretty obvious,” she shrugs, “you two are always together and seem to be really close. How long have you known each other?”  
“We actually only met at the start of the school year as roommates,” Alex admits.  
“And even then it took awhile for us to become more than friends,” John adds in.  
Eliza smiles, “If it happened naturally that fast you know it's meant to be.”  
Both boys nod and try not to blush, John fails at that. The situation ends when Eliza's older sister, Angelica, comes over and tells Eliza to ‘quit being so friendly and offer them a drink’.  
“Angelica!” Eliza lightly elbows her sister, “I’m being a good party host.”  
“I know! But this is a college party we don't have to be serious we can just get drunk or whatever,” Angelica addresses John and Alex, “drinks are on the table in the other room. Have fun.”  
With that she's pulling her sister away to help her be their other sister, Peggy’s, wingwoman with some person she likes.  
Within an hour everyone drunk. Half of them are grinding against each other and the others are either fighting or crying.   
John sits on the couch on Alex’s lap, sloppily making out. His phone buzzes in his pocket and he ignores it; but whoever it is doesn't stop calling.   
“I'll go see what that's about,” he pulls away and wobbles as he stands up to walk away.   
When John is out of sight Maria saunters over to Alex, “That your boyfriend?” When Alex nods she continues to sit down next to him.  
“He seemed to just leave you here...needing some attention,” Maria motions in the direction of Alex obviously being turned on.  
Alex does his best to think straight despite how drunk he is, “He had to take a call; he’ll be back.”  
Maria takes Alex’s hand in hers, “Until then we could go to my room and I’ll take care of you…”  
At this point Alex stops thinking with his brain and starts thinking with his...well, that. He agrees and follows Maria up the steps.  
\---  
John steps outside and answers the call, “Hello?”  
He hears his dad's angry voice on the other end of the call, “I’m on campus looking for you. Where the hell are you?”  
“Why would I tell you?” John retorts but the noise of the music and people makes his location at one of the few parties on campus obvious.   
“Fine. I'll just have to find you and you will sure as hell regret it,” with that he hung up.  
John wanders back inside, planning to ask Alex if they could just go back to their dorm and he could tell him about what happened. When he sees he’s not still on the couch he asks someone he recognizes from around, Aaron Burr, if he knows where he went.  
“Followed Maria upstairs a little while ago. Why do you wanna know?” Instead of answering Aaron’s question John rushes upstairs. He sees there's only one room with the door closed and presses up against it to eavesdrop.  
He hears Maria say “I'll make you feel things he never could do for you,” and Alex making short moaning sounds.  
“Can't I?” Maria breathes.  
There's the sound of a bed squeaking like someone's been pushed onto it and Alex responding with a yes.  
John feels like his heart just shattered. He pulls away and rushes to the bathroom upstairs, locking the door behind him as he can't hold back the hot tears anymore. They blur his vision and burn as they move down his face, seemingly never ending. He was barely gone for five minutes, how could Alex? After all he said? John tries to not think about what he knows is going on in that room across the hall yet only thinks about it more. The thought churns his stomach and he can feel bile rising in his throat; he rushes over to the toilet and throws up.   
He finishes and just sits on the cold bathroom floor, feeling all the pain of knowing what Alex did. What's next for them now? Even if they break up they're roommates. He’ll still see that cheater pretty often. He's gotta face him; he's gotta tell him he knows. John stands and stares at his reflection before rinsing his face of any signs that he’s heartbroken.   
He stumbles down the steps, only to be greeted by Alex pretending to be innocent.  
“Hey! Where have you been?” he tries pulling John into a kiss but he pushes away.  
“I could ask you the same thing.”  
Alex is still playing dumb, “What do you mean?”  
John shakes his head, fighting back tears and trying not to make a scene, “You know what I mean. I heard.”  
“Fuck,” Alex let's the guilt show, “I'm really sorry. I regretted it as soon as it happened. It's just- it would've been with you if you were there!”  
“Sorry I was a little busy on the phone with my dad who's now trying to find me and probably hurt me again,” Alex tries to tell John something but he's already leaving, “I'll be at our dorm. Maybe I’ll see you back there tonight if you don't find anyone else who wants to fuck and end up staying there.”  
\---  
It's almost 3am when Alex stumbles into the room. John refuses to speak to him and they both fall asleep with a feeling regret. John for falling for Alex and Alex for hurting John.  
They both wake up around noon and Alex must've forgotten about what he did; or he pretends to.  
“Why are you so upset?” he asks John.  
“Because you're sorta a, well, whore.”  
Alex laughs, “Why exactly?”  
Without warning John shoves him, he almost falls but catches his balance just in time, “You cheated on me! Last night, with Maria!”  
Realization hits Alex, “I wasn't thinking it through but I did make a mistake. I'm sorry.”  
John shrugs, “And I believe you but I need more time to think it through. I have to trust you again. You hurt me.”  
“You can get over it or we can end this,” Alex states frankly.  
“Easy for you to say,” John scoffs, “you weren't the one who got cheated on.”  
“I said I'm sorry!”  
“And I said I need more time!” they're raising their voices at each other which is rare.   
Alex aggressively slams John against a wall without thinking, “I hope your dad does find you.”  
John stares blankly at Alex, “Well you just acted like him so it's no surprise.”  
Alex remembers John's stories of being abused and feels even more guilty than before, “I didn't mean any of that, I swear. It was just an argument that I took a little too far and I got a little out of hand. I don't want you to be hurt, I don't wanna hurt you. Okay?”   
John doesn't let Alex hug him, “Don't touch me.”  
“I'm sorry, please, can this just-”  
“Don't.” John leaves the dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry but there's still more to be written


	11. Chapter 9

Alex follows John out into the hall, “Come back, please!” He doesn't know what to do; the guilt still consumes him no matter how much he apologizes. He knows he doesn't wanna lose John but he doesn't know how to fix all he did. His mind is racing when he catches up to John and grabs his arm, “What are you doing?”  
John tries to shove him off, “Why do you care?”  
Alex refuses to let go, “Because I care about you. Can't you see that?”  
“Yeah,” John says sarcastically, “you really showed that when you went and fucked Maria.”  
Alex shows his weakness. His voice gets quiet and he let's go of John's arm, “You know I love you. I've never stopped,” His voice breaks and he holds back tears.  
John avoids any eye contact, “It's getting harder to believe that. You know you broke our promise of it being forever.”  
“I know I did. I messed up,” Alex takes all the responsibility.  
“You did,” John nods, “you're the one who ruined things. You're the one who tore us apart.”  
Alex inhales sharply “Are you breaking up with me?”   
“I think you already did that when you cheated,” John gives a small, sad laugh.  
Alex can't keep holding back tears. He reaches the breaking point and they begin to fall, “So are we done?”  
“We are,” he confirms, “goodbye, Alex.”  
“Where are you going?” Alex finally looks him in the eyes.   
“South Carolina,” he admits, “I'm gonna go back with my dad. I guess he was right about nothing lasting forever and nobody being able to love me. So I might as well go back, there's nothing left for me here, I'll go and become straight. There's something I can fix.”  
Alex lightly takes John’s hand in his own, “There’s nothing that needs to be fixed about you. Stay?”  
John feels the same butterflies he did when he realized his feelings for Alex. He feels the same sparks travel through him as he did when they first touched. It feels like it could just mend everything that went wrong between them and at that moment all he wants to do is give in; get back with Alex, kiss him, go back to how things were, plan a future together. But he doesn't let himself, he shakes his head and pulls his hand away, making the bright sparks die out immediately. He refuses to give in if he could get hurt again.  
He shakes his head, “I did love you, Alex.” He says this knowing that it's really I do, not I did, but he's doing all he can to not give in. “I'll be back later tonight to get my stuff.”  
John leaves Alex standing there in the hallway alone. He feels dizzy and gets chills all throughout his body, this is really happening. It's as if someone stole the oxygen from all around him and without even realizing it walks back to the dorm.   
He grabs one of John’s hoodies and lies on the bed where they spent so many nights together. He keeps the hoodie close to his chest and misses what he ruined. Misses what they had. Is this how heartbroken he made John feel? If it is now he gets why it was so hard to accept his apology.   
This was the best relationship he's ever had. It's the most he's ever connected with another person and everything was so genuine and real. But it's gone now. He’ll be leaving soon and god knows he'll probably never wanna hear from Alex again. While hugging the hoodie close and reminiscing to himself he falls asleep.  
\----  
John leaves the building and considers his options. Should he call his dad? Where does he go now? He walks to one of the many parties still going on on campus; he's pretty sure they're just constant at sororities no matter what the time is. This won't fix anything but it could help for the time being.   
He stays at the party for hours, getting drunk and making out with anyone. He pulls out his phone and sends a text to the group chat with Hercules, Lafayette, and Alexander.   
The text says ‘aaaalexx is suxh a whorew’.  
“Are you drunk?” Hercules asks.   
Lafayette just says, “Wow what have you two been up to ;)” before realizing he meant whore in a bad way.  
John quickly replies with a summary that's as simple as it could be, “yeaht. breeaking up after h couldn't keep is it hsi pants”  
He puts his phone back in his pocket and gets back to trying to find girls to help him “be straight”.  
\---  
Hercules and Lafayette look at each other when they get the drunk summary from John.  
“Did he…” Hercules trails off.  
“That bastard,” Lafayette stands, “time for a connotation.”  
“You mean confrontation?” Hercules asks with his confusion evident.  
“Oh, uh, yeah. That's the thing.”  
The two walk into the dorm across the hall, not even bothering to knock.  
“Alex, what the fuck!” Hercules shuts the door behind them.  
Alex wakes up startled and jumps, “What are you two doing?”  
“What were you doing cheating on John,” Lafayette gets right to the point, “that boy loves you more than anything.”  
“Not anymore,” Alex shifts the blankets to hide the hoodie he was holding close earlier, “how did you guys find out?”  
“Group chat,” Hercules states, “now you're the one who's got some explaining to do.”  
Alex rolls his eyes. He pretends that he's frustrated with everyone talking about it but knows he's really just frustrated at himself for what he did, “We were both drunk and making out; then he walked away to answer a call and I was horny and Maria showed up and yeah…”  
The other two stay quiet for a moment before Hercules speaks up, “You weren't thinking and it wasn't exactly meant to hurt him but you still broke his heart; he's out getting drunk at like 4pm. You still gotta apologize.”  
“Already did, a lot. He said he still couldn't trust me.”  
“Then give him time to trust you again. For fucks sake give him a reason to trust you again!” Hercules desperately wants to help his friends get back together.  
“How?” they've never seen Alex this helpless before.  
Lafayette says what both he and Hercules are thinking, “Go find him and do what feels right. Help him.”  
\----  
After a bit of peer pressure Alex is walking through campus. There's only one sorority with a party that's still going on so it's not difficult to find where John would be. As Alex gets closer to the house he can hear yells and what sounds like a fight going on inside; probably just some drunken college student argument getting out of hand.  
He opens the door to see John, who already looks like he was beat up, being held up against the wall by a man who seems to be much older than him. The man is shouting homophobic slurs and slightly choking John, this must be his dad.  
“Let me go,” John gasps out.  
Alex moves in and, without even considering any consequences, punches the man in the face. He let's go of John and stumbles a few feet over. John catches his breath and stares at Alex, dumbfounded. Alex just grabs John hand and leads him out the door.  
“What are you? My fag son’s boyfriend?” the man calls out.  
“Not right now but we’ll see,” Alex let's John put an arm around his neck so that he's practically carrying him and continues to leave the situation; with John’s father shouting and being held back by some other people at the party.   
Alex gets John back to their dorm and helps him over to the bathroom where he throws up.  
“What happened?” he helps hold his hair back.  
“Tell you in the morning?” John sits up.  
“It's almost 5pm.”  
“And I'm ready to sleep,” he groans in pain.  
“Hold on,” Alex gathers things around the dorm and come back to John with a wet washcloth, clean clothes, and an ice pack made from a ziplock bag wrapped in a towel with some ice.  
He gently cleans the cuts on John's face and the few on his upper arm with the washcloth. Once he's done he asks John if he needs any help getting into the clean clothes.  
“I got it. You can go,” he uses the side of the sink to help him stand up and Alex walks out of the bathroom.  
John changes into the sweatpants then stands in front of the mirror with his shirt still off. The red marks from where he had been constricted by his neck are slightly fading to reveal many hickeys also on his neck and collarbone that aren't fading. He tries to remember who they're from and how many people he got with, if they were all even the same gender, and when he genuinely has no memory of it he starts to cry. Is this gonna make things even worse between him and Alex? What has he done? A knock at the door startles him out of his thoughts. It's Alex asking if everything is okay; he slowly opens the door and walks in when there's no response.   
He tries to just ignore the fact that John’s not wearing a shirt and is covered in different marks and tries not to stare, “Are you alright?”  
“Not really,” he sighs, “I'm confused, scared, hurt, sad, angry, and it's all just...so much.”  
Before Alex comforts him he says something quite unexpected.  
“What?” Alex scoffs.  
“I can't believe I used to think of marrying you,” he states again, “I shouldn't have trusted you as much as I did.”  
“I know what I did wrong and I'm sorry about it, you know this,” Alex pleads, “we could fix this. Talk about it tomorrow?”  
“There's nothing left for us to talk about it. You hurt me after promising you never would so many times. You hurt me then you let me get hurt by other people.” He leaves the bathroom without another word and goes to his bed, quickly falling into a dreamless sleep. Alex stands in their bathroom just searching for any way he can take back what he did. Before leaving the dorm to go to the library or somewhere, anywhere but here, he feeds the turtle a piece of lettuce.  
“I failed and let him get hurt,” he states to the turtle, “and now I'm also talking to a turtle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I meant to post this yesterday but then I went roller skating and out to eat with my girlfriend


	12. Chapter 10

It's almost April now and the two have still had quite a bit of distance between them since those few days in February; which has made hanging out with their group of friends kinda extremely awkward. One day while they were all sitting at a distance in Alex’s and John’s dorm and reading different things for classes Alex breaks the silence, “Okay, John, can we finally talk about what happened with us?”  
“You were a whore who probably never actually loved me,” John mumbles while keeping his eyes on the papers in front of him.  
“You don't know that,” Alex looks up at him, “I know I hurt you. I messed up a lot; but I did love you. I still do.”  
“Let's not do this in front of our friends,” John still doesn't look at him. He's been cold to Alex ever since he fully realized what happened. And since Alex stopped him from returning to South Carolina. John swears he stopped him from “fixing himself” but Alex thinks he saved him from the pain of trying to change something you can't control. Instead of continuing trying to gain back his trust after this Alex began holding a pointless grudge against John. Nothing was getting better with the two rarely communicating. The distance really only grew.   
Hercules and Lafayette awkwardly leave the room; both mouthing something about giving them some privacy. John still doesn't look up when Alex keeps talking; it's all the same apology just worded differently and now harsher.  
Suddenly he looks up, “How long were you two keeping this secret? How long did you plan to keep it from me?”  
“It was only that one time at the party-”  
“What about when I saw you two on campus that one time? She was all over you,” John stares straight at him awaiting a response, “are you sure that's just a coincidence?”  
“Nothing happened. I said no,” despite telling the truth Alex knows John might not believe him; which is fair after what he did. He has no clue how to gain back his trust which he feels bad about but to hide the guilt he keeps building up fences.  
“I want to believe you,” one tear manages to slip out, “of course I do. But there's something in me that just...you know it's hard for me to trust people in the first place after what my dad’s done. Something in me wonders what if they hurt me. And now you have and I wanna trust you still but what if you hurt me again? Not only that but you stopped me from making myself straight so you got me even more hurt when my father, my only family, finally fully disowned me.”  
“I won't hurt you again,” Alex swears, “I know I really don't deserve you. I'm a liar and a cheater and I fucked up but I'm sorry. I still wanna be with you, I don't want to ever hurt you. I want you to accept yourself for who you are; you cannot force yourself to change who you are. And I never want to break any of our promises.”  
“Little too late for that last one,” John inhales deeply, “but alright. I guess.”  
“You guess what?”  
“I still wanna be with you too,” John slightly blushes involuntarily and shakes his head, “I was angry that you hurt me and lied but I couldn't get myself to stop loving you. I really couldn't change even though sometimes it's all I wanted to do.”  
“Sure seemed like you stopped loving me. I was starting to be convinced you changed,” Alex raises an eyebrow.  
“I was being immature,” John shrugs, “hiding a crush by being an ass to said crush. I can't keep that up anymore.” He stands from his bed and steps towards the door, asking if he should tell Hercules and Lafayette they can come back now. It's all okay.  
Alex shakes his head, “Wait. Come over here first.”  
John goes and sits next to Alex on his bed, “What do you want?”  
Alex scooches closer to John so that their legs are touching and he takes both of John's hands in his, “This.”  
John twists around quickly, sending Alex onto his back on the bed. John holds himself over him, with one hand pressing onto the mattress near Alex’s torso and the other closer to his head. He leans down slightly to press a quick kiss to Alex’s lips before pulling away again, “I do too…”  
Alex reaches up, tangling his fingers in his hair he pulls him back down to connect their lips again. They both get lost in the heat of their mouths moving together. A slight moan escapes from the back of John’s throat and his kisses turn rougher.  
“Wait,” Alex pulls his mouth away with John still over him, “we just got back together. Let's take things slow.”  
John gets embarrassed, “Right. Sorry, I just- I got carried away. It's been awhile.”  
“I know,” he tucks a stray strand of hair behind John's ear, “it’s no big deal; I did too. Now should we tell them it's all okay?”  
“On second thought, can we keep us a secret for now, at least until I'm 100% sure you've gained back my trust. Also so this is something that is strictly for us only. Almost like our own little world,” John nervously bites at his lip.  
“Yeah. We can do whatever you want,” Alex assures.  
John suggestively smiles, “Whatever I want?”  
Alex playfully pushes John off of him, “I didn't mean it like that. Maybe you're the slut here.”  
“I'm always a slut for you,” John jokes, “I missed this. Us.”  
Alex grabs his phone and sends Hercules and Lafayette a text, “Hold on.”  
“What'd you tell them?”  
“I said ‘sorry but I think we’d like to have some privacy to keep figuring things out. see you guys tomorrow’. They don't know yet.”  
“They'll know eventually,” John sits cross-legged facing Alex on the bed, “for now it's just us again.”  
Suddenly Alex breaks eye contact, “Oh no…”  
John gets concerned and instantly rests a hand on Alex’s arm, “What is it?”  
“The floor is lava,” he suppresses a laugh.  
“You are my least favorite person,” John giggles and shoves him, “I was worried!”  
“I am too,” he takes a dramatic pause, “you could've just pushed me into the lava.”  
John rolls his eyes and joins in, “I won't hesitate to.” He reaches to grab Alex but Alex dodges and grabs onto his shoulder.  
“Neither will I, motherfucker.”  
John twists out of his grasp and leaps onto the desk chair not even a foot from the edge of the bed, “Bring it, nerd.”  
Alex laughs and pushes the chair to the middle of the room. John gasps, “You stole my wheel advantage and used it against me.”  
“Well then do we have a winner yet?” Alex smirks.  
“No,” John reaches an arm out to the nearby small table and pulls himself over to it, “I'm still in.”  
Alex tosses a pillow onto the floor and steps onto it, “I will create a path to fight you.” He tries jumping onto John’s bed from there but misses and slips off, sliding to the floor then slipping even more and falling.  
“I win,” John gloats about the tiny victory in the old game that everyone has played at some point in their life.   
Alex stands and pulls John off of the swivel chair, “I'm dragging you down with me.”  
“That's breaking the rules,” John pretends to be defensive. He pulls himself away from Alex but trips and also falls, there's a loud crash as he knocks over some books that were still on the table while trying to catch himself. The two muffle their laughter.  
Alex sits next to John by the pile of books and papers, “Oh our neighbors below hate us.”  
“Shit,” John chuckles, “I didn't consider that factor.”  
“It’s fine. I have a foolproof plan,” Alex grabs one of the blank pieces of notebook paper and walks to the desk.  
“And that is?” John questions warily.  
“Wait,” Alex scribbles something down in pen and shows it to John, “we’ll slide this under the door.”  
John looks up at the paper and sees that it spells out, in fancy cursive calligraphy, ‘sorry that we are clumsy bitches -your neighbors above you’.   
“Oh my god; do not actually do it,” John implores.  
Alex acts as if he's deep in thought before bolting for the door with the paper, “I'm doing it!”  
John chases down the hall after him, “Alexander, I swear to god!”  
Alex stumbles down the flight of stairs, knowing it's quicker than the elevator, “You'll never take me alive, fucker!” John is close behind him and their laughter slows them both down; they stop next to each other at the bottom. “You're such a bitch,” John giggles.  
“I know; but I'm your bitch,” he pauses as soon as he says that and realizes how it sounds, “not like that I mean well um- I could be but that's not uhh...not the point.”  
John raises an eyebrow at him, giving him a ‘wanna quit while you're ahead?’ look. Alex quickly motions to the piece of paper in his hand, “We’re both bitches, look it's right here. Clumsy bitches.” He gives an awkward laugh. John gives Alex the same look as before then proceeds to check their surroundings.  
“What are you doing?” Alex remarked.  
John grips onto his boyfriend's wrist, “making sure the coast is clear.” He pulls Alex’s arm up and gently keeps it pressed against the cold, smooth brick wall. Alex leans into the kiss he knows is inevitable; wrapping his free arm that's also holding the paper around John's waist to pull him closer. John is lightly starting to slip his tongue gently in and out of his boyfriend’s mouth when a familiar voice exclaims something from a landing in the middle of the steps. He instantly pulls away and looks in the direction of the voice to see Hercules and Lafayette standing there, eyes wide and mouths gaping.   
“Excuse us but,” Lafayette begins.  
Hercules speaks before his roommate can continue, “what the actual hell? We thought you guys, like, hated each other. You were arguing when we left.”  
“Things changed,” Alex shrugs, “we made up.”  
“Okay,” Lafayette understands hesitantly, “what's that paper? Wait and why are you guys out here?”  
John grabs the note from Alex’s hand, “It's nothing, why'd you guys come down here?”  
“We heard something going on and got curious. Anyways,” there's an awkward pause between the four friends before Hercules and Lafayette just retreat back to their dorm. They really didn't wanna deal with this at the moment.  
John giggles when they're gone, “That was kinda embarrassing.”  
“It was,” Alex smiles, “but it made me actually wanna do something bad in public; like something someone other than our friends might catch us doing.”  
“Like what? Make out in more places?”  
“Yeah...or more,” he slips a hand slightly in John's pants just so he can touch his hip and slowly trace small circles.  
“I wouldn't mind, I mean now our friends do know. But what about you, remember you said to take things slow?”   
Alex moves his hand away, “Sorry; like what happened earlier with both of us it's been awhile and I got carried away.”  
“It’s okay,” John leans closer to whisper, “and that sounds kinda hot, terrifying but hot, so eventually we could. For now wanna just go on a walk?”  
“Yeah. Can I show you a different place that I used to go to all the time?”  
John nods and they leave hand in hand.


	13. Chapter 11

“Can you tell me where we’re going?” John questions as Alex leads him through the streets.  
“Just wait til’ we get there.”  
John sighs, “Fine, how far is it?”   
“John Laurens,” Alex stops walking and faces him, “quit asking questions.”  
After more walking and inevitably more unwanted questions from John they reach a roller rink/arcade type place.  
“I came here a lot when I was in middle school,” Alex states, “I mean, I was always too scared to learn to skate so I just stayed by the arcade area but still.”  
“Well you taught me about standing on the subway; I'm gonna teach you to skate,” he forces Alex inside with him.  
“Oh god no,” Alex refuses, “I'm gonna look like an idiot to all these kids that know what they're doing...you know this was not what I had planned.”  
“Alexander,” John pulls him over to where they can rent skates, “you know me. What were you expecting to happen when we came here?”  
Alex tries to protest but gives up, “Fair enough…”  
As soon as they get onto the rink Alex slips and loses his balance, falling over. John suppresses a laugh and helps him up, “Hold my hand, I'll lead you.”  
Alex trips forward when John starts to pull him along but manages to keep enough balance to stay standing. A boy who seems to be 16 quickly skates past them going backwards and gives them a dirty look.   
“This is embarrassing!” Alex tries to pull away.  
“Can I convince you to keep trying?”  
“How?”  
John turns on the skates, so that he's got Alex pressed against the half wall near the entrance to the rink. He places his mouth on Alex’s collarbone and kisses up the side of his neck until he's close enough to whisper in his ear, “I’ll do things to you; remember how I can make you just lose control, but we need to go somewhere more private.”  
Alex laughs, “Not what I had in mind as convincing for skating, you horny motherfucker. C’mon convince me in a way that doesn't involve getting into my pants.”  
“We can skate together and be cute and make everyone jealous,” John claims, “it'll be fun.”  
“Alright,” Alex agrees warily.   
Before he can say anything else John is skating away from the half wall, holding his hand in order to pull him along. Alex wobbles but maintains enough balance to not fall over, “Is this really necessary?”   
“Yes,” John speeds up, which suddenly startles Alex and he let's go of his hand, falling over yet again. A familiar voice is asking if he's alright.  
“Yeah,” he looks up, “oh um...Maria, hey.” She offers to help him up but he declines and John skates over towards them.  
“Hey, Laurens. Are you still with Alexander?” she asks.  
“Yes, so I’d appreciate it if you don't try getting him to fuck you again,” he snaps.  
“I didn't have to try,” she smirks, “he wanted to.”  
“Maria,” Alex cuts in as he stands back up, “there were no real feelings between us, okay? I love John.”   
Maria begins arguing with both of them when the Schuyler sisters skate up by her and make her stop.  
“What are you doing?” Angelica questions.  
“Does it matter?” she hisses.  
“Yes!” Angelica and Eliza exclaim at the same time.  
“Fine. I'll tell you guys about it when we’re back home.” she calms down.  
Peggy speaks up, “Alright, then let's get going.”  
Angelica and Peggy force Maria off the rink while Eliza apologizes for her friends behavior, “Anyways, I’ll see you around.” She finishes and follows her sisters and friend out.   
“I swear I had no idea she'd be here; I never planned to even talk to her again. You're the one I love and I'm-” Alex starts and John shushes him.  
“I know. It's okay,” John assures.  
“But,” Alex sounds shameful, “I'm such a bad boyfriend, why do you put up with me?”  
John takes both of his hands, “Alexander, you are absolutely amazing; you never gave up on us. Yeah, you made a mistake and it hurt me a lot, but you really cared- you still do. How could I not love you?”  
Alex begins to tear up, “I’m still so sorry about Maria.”  
“I know,” John wipes away a tear that made its way to Alex's cheek, “wanna go home?”  
Alex nods in response.  
\---  
They make it back to the dorm and, after feeding his turtle, John lies on his bed with Alex next to him.   
“What are you thinking about?” he asks Alex.  
“It's nothing,” he blushes.  
“C’mon,” he quickly kisses him on the lips, “tell me.”  
Alex kisses him back; he pulls away and admits it, “You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and also...something else but that doesn't matter.”  
“Tell me anyways?”  
“How long are we gonna be taking things slow,” his blush deepens.  
“Oh,” John understands, “you wanna have sex…”  
“No it's not that- actually well um...I just- I missed this and I missed us and I missed you and the way it felt but like it can wait it wasn't necessarily something that I…” Alex stumbles over his words and trails off.  
“Alex,” John makes eye contact, “I'm not talking about in the future. Right now, would you want to?”   
“Yes,” he seems mortified, “but we don't have to do anything if you're not into it so-”  
“I am,” John shuts him up, “now it's your turn to top. Are we gonna do this?”  
“Of course,” he teases, “but do you wanna be on top again? It's hot.”  
“Mhm,” he turns Alex onto his back on the bed and holds himself up over him.  
\---  
After having their fun and both orgasming they lay side by side on the bed again.  
“I love it when you're dominant,” Alex breathes.  
“I could tell,” he rests his head on Alex’s chest.  
“Also I'm in love with you,” Alex blurts out, “...and I meant for that to be less blunt.”  
“I'm in love with you too,” John replies in the same tone before giggling and leaning up to gently kiss his boyfriend, “goodnight.”  
Alex puts an arm across John, “goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this was so short i've been busy with school stuff. but this will continue into the summertime (which starts june 1st) so i can probably write more then


	14. Chapter 12

The two stay up for hours just lying there talking about whatever and around eleven at night Alex gets an idea, “we should go to a nightclub nearby.”  
“Ah yes because we’re totally people who go party,” John laughs.  
“Hey,” Alex sits up under the covers, exposing his bare chest, “it'll be fun and we can invite Herc and Laf.”  
“Let's get dressed then,” John agrees and gets out from under the covers.  
Once the two are dressed they knock on the door of their friends across the hall.   
“Hello?” Hercules calls out.  
“Y'all wanna go to a club?” John offers from outside the door.  
“Sure,” they both accept the offer at the same time and open the door.  
\----  
They reach a nearby nightclub and, after being carded at the door, are shoved by a sea of people into the crowd. The friends manage to stick close to each other despite all of the bodies moving around together. Lafayette stumbles towards John, “What exactly do we do here?”  
“Just have fun,” John goes towards the center of the crowd, straying from his friends and boyfriend.  
Lafayette turns to Alex with a confused expression. “He's having a good time,” Alex states the obvious.  
“We should join him,” Hercules pulls his friends towards the center of the crowd.  
John spots Alex and starts dancing against him, “There you are!”  
Alex laughs, taking his hand and twirling him so that they're now dancing, or more specifically just sorta jumping around together, “You haven't even had a drink yet and you're already getting like this.”  
“Yet. I'll be right back,” he exits the crowd of people after offering getting Alex, who declines, something and heads towards the bar.   
“Why’s he going over there?” Hercules wonders.  
“We’re in a club,” Alex motions around, “alcohol. You guys gonna join?”  
“Nah,” Hercules shakes his head, “I got early classes tomorrow.”  
Lafayette motions towards his roommate with his head, “Same.”  
The three friends get back to dancing in the crowd while waiting for John, who's gone for awhile. He eventually gets back and is laughing at anything.  
Alex brings him closer by tugging on the sleeve of his hoodie, “Love, what is going on with you?”  
“Nothing,” he stumbles.  
Alex laughs and steadies him, “You weren't even gone that long, how much did you have?”  
John ignores the question and gets his boyfriend to start dancing around with him. John grinds up against him and sticks his hands into his back pockets, bringing their waists closer. Alex knows that even though they're in a club this is not something they should be doing in front of people; but in the moment it felt so good. He let's John slightly dry hump against his thigh. Admittedly, he is also enjoying the feeling of it too but he stops him when Hercules and Lafayette approach to say something to them. They repeat themselves multiple times before giving up on trying to converse with each other, the music just drowns everything out anyways, and focus on just having fun and dancing around. From time to time John will leave the crowd but come back soon. After an hour or so of dancing Lafayette pulls his friends aside so he can say something, “When should we go? Me and Hercules have to be up early tomorrow for classes.”  
“We can go now if you guys all want to,” Alex offers, “whenever you're ready.”  
John, who's still very giggly and seems to not fully know what's going on, trips when trying to move closer to Alex to whisper something. Alex catches him so he doesn't fall to the ground and helps him stand straight up and notices how much he's shaking and how warm he feels, “Are you alright? Do you need to sit down?”  
John shakes his head and speaks quickly, “Don't worry. I'm great!”  
Lafayette, Hercules, and Alexander all make concerned eye contact, before Hercules announces that they should go now.   
The four get back to the building they all live in fairly easily. With the occasional exception of John trying to go off somewhere else or overall not knowing, nor caring about, what is going on. Alex and John open the door to their dorm and, immediately, John closes it and pulls Alex over to sit at the edge of his bed. He gets on his knees on the floor in front of his boyfriend, “Our fun doesn't have to stop.” He reaches up and unbuttons Alex's jeans.  
“No,” Alex grabs his hands and slightly pushes them back, “you're either drunk or sick or- I don't know but you're clearly not thinking straight.”  
“I'm fine. I will gladly be your slut tonight. Can I be your whore?” He moves his hands, still with Alex’s over his, and lightly tugs at Alex's pants.  
“John!” Alex shoves him back, slightly too hard and he lands on his back on the ground, “I said no. I'm not gonna take advantage of you in any way; I don't want to.”   
“Right,” John stands up and wipes away a tear that's formed just under his eye, “sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable or guilty. It was just- I don't know but I should've stopped the first time you said no. Sorry.”  
Alex moves onto the floor and wraps John into a slightly awkwardly positioned hug, “It's okay…I know you're not thinking clearly right now.” John cries into his shoulder and Alex continues to comfort him, “It's gonna be alright; I've got you and you're safe. Can you tell me what's wrong?”  
“I did something stupid but it's not like what you did,” John whispers, “I'm sorry.”  
Alex helps him stand back up and lay down in bed, “It's alright. I'm not sure what’s going on with you right now but we can talk about that in the morning. Get some sleep.”  
“I love you,” John mumbles.  
“I love you too,” Alex sits on the edge of the bed and stays next to John until he falls asleep. Alex begins thinking of the future as he sees his lover peacefully asleep. He moves over to the desk and pulls out a piece of paper and a pen and begins writing a letter to John.  
“‘It's late and you're asleep but there's so much I'm thinking about that I have to tell you. Although I will not be giving this to you for awhile and you may already know these things by the time you get it; I will attempt to further convince you that I love you. Here are just some of the multitude of reasons I have fallen deeply in love with you. Number one, you have been so nice to me since the moment we met. Even when I made a mistake and hurt you you were willing to forgive me. Secondly, you are unique. I have never met someone as beautiful (both personality wise and looks wise) as you. I don't wanna make this too long so I'll stop going in full sentences and just start a list  
* you care  
* you're smart  
* you're carefree to a point where we have fun but don't get into anything too dangerous  
your smile can make anyone's day better  
* you in general  
You. The boy who is not afraid to be with me despite how much shit he's been put through. You. The boy who, on my very first day, offered me help like we’d known each other our whole lives. You. The extraordinarily thoughtful and loving boy who I met on my first day, became best friends with, and then fell in love with. You. The boy who fell in love with me just as much as I did for you. You. The boy who makes me feel complete. Laurens, there is so much more I could say but the sun will rise soon and I want to finish this before you wake. All we’ve been through together has led me to asking this one thing; will you marry me? I know this seems like we’re moving too fast but I've never been so sure of anything else in my life. So someday, will you marry me? Yrs forever, A. Ham”.  
He folds up the paper and puts it in an envelope that he then hides under his mattress before going to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all i'm on a class trip to dc and i wrote this on my phone on the bus i am heckin dedicated (also sorry for the mistakes i'm still on a bus and i don't feel like reading through it)


	15. Chapter 13

Alex wakes up at the same time as John.  
“How are you feeling?” he sits up in his bed and turns to face John's bed across the room.  
John does the same to him and goes to speak but instead just breaks down crying. Alex is about to stand and make his way over to him when he suddenly tells him not to. “Just stay where you are,” he commands, “I made a mistake last night; and it was really stupid of me.”  
Alex becomes more nervous about the whole situation, he feels his heartbeat speed up, “What did you do?”  
“I went to get a drink at the bar,” he begins, “but some random guy at the bar told me to follow him outside. My first mistake was even agreeing to follow…”  
“John, did somebody hurt you?”  
“No, just wait. I followed him out and he led me to this alley by the dumpster out back; there were some other people there too. They seemed really chill and they offered me...they gave…” John trails off, “sorry, this is just really hard to admit.”  
Alex anxiously picks at a blanket laying across his bed, “Please tell me. I'm worried about you, love.”  
John inhales deeply, “They gave me a small bag of cocaine and I had already done it before when we were going through that fight so I...you know…it was a bad decision.”  
For some reason Alex feels angry towards him and passive aggressively asks, “Is that where you kept disappearing off to? Is that what took you so long? You had to keep getting another hit? And this wasn't even the first time? Why did you never mention this before?”  
“Yes and I-” John gets cut off by Alex who stands up, “What the hell is wrong with you?”  
He doesn't mean to but as he keeps asking about the ‘mistake’ his voice continually raises, “Seriously. You can easily get addicted to that shit; why would you just think it's all good and fun a couple times? Not only that but that wasn't even your first experience with it. You had to keep going back to get some more and you'd already done it before. Are you already addicted or something? Jesus fucking Christ, John…why would you do this?”  
By now John's crying even harder, “I don't know...okay? I don't know. Are you breaking up with me?”   
“No,” Alex is back at a normal volume and shakes his head, “I'm this angry because of how much I love and care about you. You had no idea what you were doing, who those people were, for sure what they were giving you, you easily could've just overdosed and died. We could've lost you.”  
He walks over to John's bed and sits down next to him. He wraps him in a blanket and pulls him close, “Don't do something like that again, please.”  
“I'll try,” John holds on a little tighter, “but I-I’m already wanting more. I'm getting addicted.”  
Alex is at a loss for words. All he can do is stay there hugging John and worrying about what may come.  
“Alexander?” John asks.  
“I'm not gonna let you get more; I'll keep you safe,” Alex claims without actually knowing how well he can keep his word.   
“What if you can't?” John becomes even more nervous somehow, “What if you can't do anything to...to save me?”   
“That's not gonna happen,” Alex does his best to hide the uncertainty in his voice, “I'm gonna help you get through this. What can I do to take your mind off of it?”  
John shrugs, “I'm not sure you can do anything to help with this.”  
“I'm willing to do almost anything,” there's a slightly suggestive undertone in Alex's voice.  
“Are you flirting with me? Now?” John let's go of his boyfriend but still is right in front of him.  
“Sorry. But I meant it, I'll do whatever” Alex reassures.  
John seems to be embarrassed but says what's on his mind anyway, “Could I just make out with you for a little bit? As a distraction…”  
“I'm all yours,” he flirtatiously smirks.  
“Tell me when you wanna stop,” John pushes him so that he's laying on the bed and straddles over top of him, immediately starting to kiss him on the lips. His soft lips move roughly against his boyfriend’s and before Alex’s tongue can make its way to the inside of John's mouth he's moved to kissing, more specifically just sucking at, his neck. He already knows he going to leave some obvious marks on his boyfriend's neck but keeps sucking at the soft skin, the love bites will be even more prominent. Alex whimpers but enjoys the feeling.   
John pulls away when he hears a slightly louder groan, “Wanna stop?”  
“Well,” Alex awkwardly shifts so he's holding himself up by his elbows, “if we’re not planning on just doing it then we might wanna not take it any further.”  
“We could just,” John starts to move his hips against Alex’s, creating friction they both are craving.  
“H-harder,” Alex chokes out and pulls the band out of John’s hair, letting it out of the ponytail he normally wears it in. John begins moving quicker but a sudden knock at the door stops him.   
“Guys,” they recognize Lafayette's voice, “we’re back from class. Wanna talk about what the hell happened last night?”  
John moves off of Alex so they're now somewhat innocently laying side by side on the bed. Alex grabs a blanket off the end of the bed and uses it to cover their laps, for certain reasons, “Yeah. Come in!”   
Their two friends enter the dorm and Hercules just begins to speak when Lafayette shushes him.  
“What?” he turns to his friend.  
“We’re interrupting something,” Lafayette accusingly points to John and Alex, “John's hair is down and they seem...flustered…”  
Hercules laughs and looks towards the ceiling to avoid awkward eye contact with John or Alex, “You noticed before me; nice job.”  
“We weren't doing anything,” Alex lies, “what do you guys mean?”  
Hercules goes to speak but Lafayette beats him to it, “Can I get this one too?”  
“Go for it,” he shrugs.  
“Alright,” Lafayette gets excited at the chance to prove himself right, “the blanket. It's not cold in here but you guys are just awkwardly laying side by side, not cuddling or anything, fully clothed partly under a blanket. I wonder why?”  
Alex fakes offense at Lafayette's statement but John gives up and admits it, sitting up with Alex doing the same, “We were making out and things got a little heated. Now what did you guys wanna talk about?”  
“Well….” Hercules stalls, “you. What was wrong with you last night?”  
John turns his head and gives Alex a “help me out here” look. Alex responds with a small shrug, as if to ask what exactly he wanted him to say.   
John looks back over to his two friends that are expecting some sort of explanation, “I'll um...tell you guys later.”  
“Why not now?” they ask in unison.  
“I just told Alex this morning and that was hard. I'm not ready to tell more people,” he gives a small somewhat sympathetic and sad yet also awkward smile.  
“What if we bribe you?” Lafayette blurts out and Hercules elbows him in the side.  
“I'm not getting bribed to admit this!” John throws his hands in the air in confusion about why they're so curious.  
“I mean you told me so like I could go down on you in exchange,” Alex says way too casually in front of their friends.  
John gasps at his boyfriend's unexpected preposition, “Alexander! There are people here!”  
Alex smirks and shrugs and despite not verbally communicating John now understands what he's trying to do, he goes along with the act and pretends to consider it.  
“Ew,” Lafayette groans, “get a room.”  
Hercules agrees then stops himself, “Wait- we are in their room.”  
“Not anymore,” Lafayette turns to leave and Hercules follows him out the door, closing it behind them.  
Once they're alone again Alex turns so that he's laying facing John and props himself up on his elbow, “So do you actually want me to-”  
“Not at the moment,” John declines, “I just went along with the whole ‘let's make them uncomfortable so they leave and quit asking about last night’”.  
“You caught onto that?”  
“‘Course I did, I know you.”  
Alex doesn't say anything but just quits propping himself up and pulls John close. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle.   
“I can't even imagine where I'd be if I didn't have you in my life,” John whispers.  
“You don't have to,” Alex assures, “we can spend the rest of our lives together.”  
“You mean as in like get married?” John turns his head to look at Alex.  
Alex’s heart rate speeds up and he sits up, pulling John up with him.  
John watches Alex go over to his bed on the other side of the room and pull something out from under the mattress, “What are you doing?” He asks from the edge of his bed.  
“I'm not entirely sure,” he hands John the envelope, “this isn't how I'm supposed to do it or how I planned it but, well, nothing in my life is very planned out.”  
John nervously opens up the envelope, pulling out the letter inside and reading through it. As he reads it he begins crying and by the time he reaches the end of it all he manages to choke out is “yeah”.  
“Yeah?” Alex says.  
John jumps up from the bed and wraps his arms around Alex’s waist, hiding his face in the crook of his neck, “Yes! Oh my god, yes! This isn't just a distraction? You actually want to do this?”  
“Of course I do,” he moves John’s head from his shoulder and makes him look at him, “I’m in love with you.”  
“I didn't think I'd ever,” John inhales deeply, “find someone who actually loves me like this. How can you be real?”  
“I wonder the same thing about you.”  
John shakes his head, “I'm not what you'd call perfect. I may get addicted to cocaine.”  
“And I will get you the help you need and support you through recovery if that's what it comes to. I know that it is not romantic or beautiful or anything like that but I promise I'll stay to help you through it,” Alex wipes away a few of John's tears, “are you okay?”  
“I'm pretty sure I'm engaged to my soulmate,” he laughs euphorically, “I'm more than okay.”  
“Wait,” Alex realizes he never actually asked traditionally so he gets down on one knee in front of John, “I don't have a ring or anything with me, but, will you marry me?”  
“Yes,” he takes his hand and pulls him back up only to push him onto the bed once again.  
There's no rough kissing or grinding of any sorts this time. Instead they just gently kiss each other on the lips, not even using tongue.  
“Fiancé,” John murmurs against Alex's lips in a happy disbelief.  
“When should we tell our friends?” Alex pulls away and runs his fingers through John's hair.  
“Later, Alexander,” he moves down towards Alex in order for them to kiss again.  
“You used my full name; this must be serious,” he pulls away again.  
“It is,” he lightly slaps Alex on his arm, “do you wanna quit talking so much right now and just kiss?”  
Alex doesn't say anything but he starts kissing John again, which works as an answer.   
“Wait,” Alex pulls back yet again, “we have a lot to talk about.”  
John groans, “Like?”  
Alex sighs before actually speaking, “Well not to get too specific but drugs, marriage, friends, summer-”  
“Summer?”  
“We’re both kinda orphans now; where do we go when we’re on summer break?”  
John thinks for a second, “We’ll rent an apartment or sublet somewhere.”  
“We don't have enough money for that,” Alex states.  
John sighs, exasperated, “We’ll both find jobs in a few days and then save up. Are we done talking about these things for now?”  
“For now,” Alex agrees before letting John start kissing him again.   
“Do you promise to stay with me forever?” John whispers against his lips.  
“I thought we weren't talking right now,” Alex whispers back.  
“Do you?” John asks again.  
“Of course. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lil bit of angst lil bit of fluff -my life motto


	16. Chapter 14

After a little under an hour passes they stop kissing. Alex moves his hands down to John's torso from where they've been holding his hair out of the way, “What do you wanna do today?”  
“Maybe go tell our friends that we’re gonna get married?” John suggests.  
“Good idea,” Alex laughs, “but that involves us getting up; you're gonna have to get off of me.”  
“I'm not on you,” John emphasizes the on.  
“Above,” Alex rolls his eyes.  
John sighs and gets up, with Alex following him. They make their way to their friends dorm across the hall and knock on the door.  
“Yeah?” Hercules calls from inside.  
“It’s us,” John notifies before they're welcomed inside.   
“We've got news,” Alex announces from the doorway.  
“Oh my god,” Lafayette fake gasps, “you're pregnant aren't you?”  
“Damn you got me,” Alex jokes, “but seriously we have something to tell you two.”  
They wait for an answer and Alex looks at John, “You can tell them, love.”  
“Alright,” he waits a second to make their friends even more curious, “we’re gonna get married.”  
“No shit?” Hercules looks back and forth between the two of them, “You're actually gonna get married?”  
“We are,” Alex confirms.  
“Damn,” Lafayette closes his eyes then opens them in an attempt to comprehend that this is happening so soon, “congrats. But are you gonna tell us what happened at that club?”  
John swallows hard and moves in front of Alex, facing him instead of Hercules and Lafayette, “I want them to know.” He says in a hushed voice.  
“Then tell them, dear,” Alex places a hand on John's shoulder.  
“I can't say it again,” tears begin to fall, “can you tell them what I did?”  
“Everything?”  
“Yes,” he hugs Alex and, burying his face in his shoulder, doesn't look at his friends as they find out about the mistake.  
Alex finishes the summary, all while holding onto John, and Hercules and Lafayette react with the same anger as Alex did.   
“John, are you even fucking listening to us?” Lafayette shouts.  
“Yes,” his response is muffled as he still clings to Alex.  
Hercules and Lafayette both come over and try pulling him off of Alex, “You need to talk to us.”   
“We’re not just gonna let you ignore this.”  
“Stop,” he begs. Still keeping his grip. They pull him off and he falls to the floor, curling up into a ball.   
“Get up!” the friends demand until Alex shouts at them to stop.   
“So you're not worried about marrying the fucking druggie?” Hercules motions to John who's still just crying on the floor.  
“I'm helping him through this,” Alex retorts, “I was pissed at first but then I realized he's my boyfriend- now fiancé, and he needs someone right now. Support your friend’s recovery, if it's even needed, instead of being angry with them. You're just gonna make things worse.”  
He helps John stand back up and face their friends.  
“It was stupid and I don't know why I did it,” John wipes tears from his cheeks, “can we drop this?”  
“No.” Hercules states.  
“You need some sort of plan for if this happens again,” Lafayette gestures to nothing in particular.  
“We already discussed it,” Alex defends John, “he's gonna be okay.”  
“Sorry,” both Herc and Laf apologize.  
“No you guys have a point,” John's voice is hardly audible, “my dad he was...quite the druggie as I was growing up. I did this even knowing what could happen. I mean, I did just do it for fun but I knew what the risk was and I ignored it.”  
They all stare at him, faces full of concern and confusion.   
“John,” Alex begins but John pushes past him and goes into the hallway.  
“What are you doing?” Lafayette questions.  
John begins backing away, like a frightened animal facing a predator. He goes to run but Alex reaches out and holds him back just in time.   
He squirms about and elbows Alex in the side, “Let me go!”  
“The hell is going on with you?” Hercules cuts in, helping Alex restrain John.  
The words stop John cold. His face falls as he recognizes the actions he's now doing from what he used to see, “Withdrawal…” he turns to Alex, “I guess this is why you decide to leave me.”  
“I never said that.”  
“Have you thought of it?”  
“No,” he swears, “I mean it when I tell you I'll stick with you forever.”  
He nods and they all four agree to just hang out back in Alex and John's dorm.   
Alex sits on the floor leaning against his bed with John sitting on his lap. Hercules is on John's bed and Lafayette is on the desk chair, spinning around and pushing off of things occasionally to slide around the room.   
“Should we have another game of drunk never have I ever?” Lafayette suggests.  
“Is alcohol the best thing at this moment?” Hercules attempts to discreetly motion to John but completely fails.  
“Sober never have I ever?” Lafayette asks.  
The other three concur on doing that.   
“Never have I ever,” Lafayette starts them off, “...swallowed.”  
“Wait Laf are you gay?” John asks.  
“Pansexual. Now back to the game.”  
Alex is the only one to admit he has and Hercules and Lafayette look at him in surprise, of course John is unfazed as he already knew this.  
It's Hercules turn, “Never have I ever stolen something.”  
They all stay silent until Alex nudges John, “You have.”  
“I swear to god if you say something cheesy like I stole your heart I will not hesitate to punch you.”  
Alex laughs, “No you told me you stole a slushie from a gas station when you were like 14.”  
“Oh yeah,” he recalls, “I bought the cup for a soft drink but filled it with a slushie instead.”  
“What a rebel,” Lafayette says sarcastically.  
“How edgy,” Hercules joins in.  
John goes next. “Never have I ever,” he looks at Alex mischievously, “practically asked my boyfriend to fuck me in a public place.”  
Alex blushes, “I have; don't expose me like this. Never have I ever gotten turned on while doing something innocent like cuddling.”  
The three admit that they have and John looks up at Alex, resting the back of his head on his shoulder from where he is on his lap, “Liar.”  
“Shut up, I was trying to get back at you,” he gives him a quick kiss on the lips.  
Hercules and Lafayette both groan. “I was gonna suggest getting food,” Hercules jokes, “unless you two start fucking.”  
“We should get a pizza,” Lafayette gets the idea and his friends all agree on it.   
“I'll go get it,” John offers and stands up.  
Alex follows, “We could all go, or I'll just come with you.”  
“Alex,” John turns to face him, “I know what you're doing. You don't have to worry; I am capable of going out on my own and not getting into any trouble. Trust me?”  
Alex hesitates, “Yeah…”  
John nods and pulls Alex into a kiss, “I love you. I'll see you in a little bit.”  
“I love you too.”  
He turns to Hercules and Lafayette before leaving, “See y'all soon.”  
Over an hour passes and the three haven't heard from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> either one or two more chapter(s) left! but i'm also currently working on a oneshot and i'm gonna keep writing other things that will probably be lams


	17. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoiler but trigger warning for like  
>  drugs and death

“Where the hell is he,” Alex frantically paces the room. He continues calling John's phone despite there never being an answer.  
“He could've just gotten lost,” Hercules tries to calm his friend down.  
“And not answer any of his calls?” he stops moving to face Hercules, “Something's wrong.”  
Hercules looks at Lafayette for some backup but he doesn't get the hint, “Alex has a good point. There's something bad happening.”  
Alex gets back to spamming texts and calls. Many calls later he gets an answer.  
“John,” he starts to cry with a mix of relief and remaining fear, “oh my god- oh god are you okay?”   
Hercules and Lafayette hear a voice on the other line before Alex speaks again, “Well where are you?”  
There's no answer and he asks again before the line goes dead.   
“What did he say?” Lafayette urges.  
Alex inhales deeply, “He said ‘I don't know’ then we disconnected.” Suddenly he gets a text from John telling him where he is, ‘The alley of that nightclub. Hurry.’  
He tosses his phone to his friends for them to read the text before running out of the room. They follow close behind, bringing his phone, without him realizing it. He gets off of campus and sprints through the streets, knowing traveling in the subway or a taxi would take longer. He earns dirty looks and angry mumbles from people he shoves past; but that's really not important at the moment. He's pretty sure he even knocked a few people over, then again that is not his main priority right now.  
He reaches the alley and sees John amongst a small group of 20-something-year-olds. John is sitting on the ground leaning against a building, his leg twitching every once in awhile.  
Alex immediately gets on the ground in front of him, Hercules and Lafayette stand watching the scene unravel and call 911, “What happened?”  
“I did it again,” his breathing is shaky, “I think it was too much or- or something else was in it. I feel so sick. Alex, I’m sorry.”  
“Can you stand up?” he takes his hand.  
He shakes his head, “Too dizzy.”  
Alex drops his hand and stands, turning to the group of two guys and one girl, “What did you give him?”  
The rougher looking guy laughs coldly, “You some kind of cop?”  
He ignores the question, “What the fuck did you give him?”  
The one girl responds, “Nothing. Your friend is just sick and out of it. He was wandering by, we offered to help, now you're here.”  
Alex starts to argue, “He told me what happened here before. Now tell me what you gave him.”  
“Just some coke,” the girl confesses, “but look it wasn't laced with anything, okay? He just took too much…”  
Alex goes to say something else but stops as soon as he hears John groan and ask him to come close to him. Hercules and Lafayette take his place in the argument, asking why they didn't call someone to help sooner. They explained that getting help would just be turning themselves in.  
Alex kneels in front of John, “What is it, love?”  
“I'm sorry,” he sobs, “I’m so sorry.”  
“Don't be sorry; you're gonna be fine.” He’s not too sure of this but he doesn't want to face the reality of the situation, “They'll be here soon. We’ll make it through this.”  
“Alex,” John pleads, “I need to tell you something before it's too late.”  
“It won't be too late because you'll be okay-”  
“Let me speak,” John interrupts, “I'm sorry. As soon as I met you I thought ‘wow he's cute, I wonder if he's into guys’ and then we got to know each other better. You became the best friend I've ever had and you made me realize I found my soulmate. We kissed- then did more than that, and it was...god words can't even explain how good it was. I love you more than anything. You promised me a forever that I never had yet now I'm the one who made a mistake and is gonna be leaving you all too soon.”  
An ambulance and police car pull up to the alley, they first question the group to get an estimate of how much he took and of what as John keeps talking to Alex, “Alexander Hamilton, my dear boy, you are the most extraordinary person I have ever met. Thank you for showing me what it's like to live, I mean really live truly as yourself, in such a short amount of time. I will never stop loving you.” He moves to kiss him and Alex wraps his arms around his torso, pulling him closer as he kisses back.   
John tries to make light of the situation despite both him, Alexander, and their friends who have now crowded around crying, “Hey, take care of Pebble for me?”  
“Yeah,” his friends sadly promise, waiting for the paramedics to approach. Hercules and Lafayette exchange a few words with him.  
“I am still gonna love you forever,” Alex says before John's put on the gurney.   
“Like I told you, I'll never stop loving you either,” he replies quietly, now getting weaker by the second. The two EMTs crowd around; quickly getting to work on helping him. The cops search and arrest the two guys and girl who must've given him the drugs. Leaving Alex, Lafayette, and Hercules to pace feeling sick with worry. The EMTs solemnly stop working at the same time right then and there.   
One of the workers, a muslim woman in her early 30s, turns to them, “I am deeply sorry. We tried everything but…” she's also crying and trails off despite not even knowing John.  
To Alex everything freezes. Time stops; he feels his heart crumble and all the air being taken from him. Nothing feels real but everything is. He doesn't even know that he's fallen to the ground or that he's sobbing until his friends, who are crying but clearly holding back their full sobs, attempt to make him stand. They try to get him to speak but he just cries and shakes his head when told anything. Why would this happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry please don't kill me this is the last chapter but there's gonna be an epilogue and i'll be writing oneshots (maybe even another chapter fic)


	18. Epilogue

It's been years since Alex lost John. Today is their graduation day; they leave college and enter the real world. But out of those four friends Alexander is the only one making it to this day. Lafayette went back to France after John's funeral and Hercules decided to take a year off of college then go somewhere else, it's too painful to stay there after all of that.   
Alex had refused to leave the dorm that they shared. He is yet to move on and honestly doesn't know if he ever will. Now he just stands in the center of the room, not caring if he's late to the graduation ceremony. He's been alone for the past three years. Even John's turtle died, that was from old age. Being late is the least of his problems.  
“I don't know if you can even hear me,” he says in hopes that he's talking to John, “but I miss you. I never stopped missing you and I never stopped loving you. So much has happened and I've just been alone. I could go through it but I always told you the important things when they happened. I mean, I said them and I hope that you were listening. You know, everyday I wonder what happened to our forever. We had promised it to each other but then….” He stops speaking in order to wipe away tears that have began to fall.  
“Are you even here?” A small box is knocked to the floor from the bookshelf. Alex already knows what's in it, the note he had proposed with, but he still runs over to open it. Nothing had changed with it but it practically jumped off the shelf without being touched. That's enough of an answer for Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Again, I will be posting a oneshot and possibly starting a new chapter fic this summer (summer based btw) so that should be fun


End file.
